Well hello there, magic bean buyers. There is much in my heart that needs to be translated onto the page, and I’m not sure how to go about it. So I will just take a deep breath and start.
I feel lonely. That is one thing settling into my heart. It seems like an embarrassing thing to admit, loneliness, like I can’t make friends or something (which, I have to admit, I’m not the best at). But this is a different kind of loneliness. I could call a loved one, or even maybe go sit by the pool and strike up a conversation with a stranger, but those would only be distractions, this loneliness doesn’t need conversation, or loved ones. If I distracted myself, the loneliness would simply wait until the quiet settled in again. This loneliness wants to be heard.
Now it is time to go backwards. I’m not sure if I have written on here about The Heaviness, but it wants to be talked about now.
I have been hauling around a feeling of heaviness most of my life. It has nothing to do with diet and exercise, or even heart surgery. (After my surgery eight years ago I had so much hope that the heaviness would be gone, but it wasn’t.)
The Heaviness is unaffected by environment or people or even love. It isn’t always there, but it is mostly always there to some degree or another, a weight I dragged with me throughout my day.
I blamed people or situations for The Heaviness, but eventually I learned it is inside me, pulling me down through even the most beautiful of moments.
Despite the depressing sound of all this, I always felt there was a solution. One day I would be free from The Heaviness, and I was going to find out how, by jove.
So anyway, blah blah blah, I got into emotional healing, and yoga, and meditation, and rapid eye therapy, and I have been releasing whatever comes up.
Now, as you know, I recently moved into a new place. Since moving into my new place, at first I had an enormous amount of energy, eventually that dissipated. Then I found myself collapsing every weekend. Then I got sick, and I was collapsing the second I got home every night. I would crawl around on the floor because standing made my fuzzy brain even fuzzier. This was The Heaviness at its maximum.
At work I could barely tolerate any noise or movement, so I plugged in my headphones and listened to Sia and Sarah McLachlan on repeat day after day, week after week. Sometimes I would listen to just one song for days at a time. This successfully shut out the world, so I could live in a tunnel with a tiny pin hole of light. I only had energy for me, barely.
Last weekend, because weekends are magical, I was horizontal for a 48 hour stretch. I rolled and slithered from place to place, if I moved at all.
Then something happened. I went to work today and I was not overly energized, but I wasn’t bothered by noises. I didn’t need to live in my tunnel. I felt present and aware, and completely alive in a perfectly calm way. I felt this way all day, and as I ended my day at work, I realized I could do anything I wanted. There were so many things I have put off because the heaviness prevented me from doing them, but somehow that skin of heaviness was shed.
Perhaps it is only temporary, or perhaps it is permanent. I like to assume it is permanent. I assume it is permanent because I had never felt so groggy for so long, or this alive without a nervous energy behind it. I don’t feel energized, I simply feel light and real, like a snake shedding its old skin.
Perhaps these new feelings are from embracing the grogginess without judgement. In the past, I have always fought it, and cried and wondered how I was supposed to function as a human being. This is the first time in my life I allowed myself to wallow on the floor of my apartment without judgement for weeks at a time, getting up only to go to work (where I wallowed at my desk) until The Heaviness passed. This is such a strange new feeling.
And now that the heaviness is gone, there is so much space inside me and outside of me, and in this space I have found loneliness. But this is a hopeful loneliness. It is not a heavy, grasping, desperate loneliness, it is pure and patient and waiting to be filled with light.
The trick is to allow myself to just feel it without distracting myself with TV, a sugar binge, or some other third thing. Because it is uncomfortable a part of me wants to run from it, even though it is a good kind of discomfort, it is still uncomfortable, I just have to remember that and breathe into it.
Anyway, that’s all for now. My posts will be getting longer since I can type on my laptop instead of squinting and swyping at my phone’s tiny keyboard. Whew!