While I was getting leg surgery, the doctor, with his hands covered in my blood said, “There is nowhere to go because you’re already there.” I thought this was so profound that I laughed. Cut open and bleeding on the surgery table, I laughed. I would remember those words.
This doctor then told me about the yoga routine he does every morning led by Bryan Kest. I like yoga. When I got home and was properly healed, I looked up the yoga routine. As I did the downward-facing-dog and listened to Bryan Kest talk about his life philosophies, he said, “There is nowhere to go because you’re already there.”
It may not have been my doctor’s original thought, but it was still profound.
In my last blog, I wrote about the fear of submitting my writing. I could have been afraid of criticism, and I could have been afraid of rejection, but I wasn’t. I was mostly afraid of success. I was more afraid of being accepted than rejected. Rejection keeps me where I am, acceptance puts me in unfamiliar territory.
If they accept me, they will find me out. They’ll find out I’m a fraud. I have tricked everyone into thinking I’m better than I am.
Once there is success they will see through my facade and stamp my forehead with “con artist”. I would rather be rejected before anyone found me out. I would rather stay in the familiar territory of sameness. I would rather no one see my work, ever.
But then…I’m not a writer at all, at least not in the sense I want to be. A real writer is read. A real writer feels like a writer. A real writer has success. So when can I say I am successful? When can I say I have arrived?
At this point, I could list all the things that would determine I have arrived, like making a living with my creative writing. Or selling a screenplay or two. But I won’t do that because there is nowhere to go, I’m already here. I am already the writer I want to be.
The only missing piece is feeling like a success instead of a failure. And since my feelings are the only things at play, I can change them. Right now. Right? I am already a writer. I have already arrived. And whatever else happens, happens. The recipe for being a successful writer is feeling like a successful writer.
There really is nowhere to go, I’m already here.